Sorry It Took Me So Long

I’ve been a little busy since my last post, and I guess a little lazy with my blogging. Several people have asked me to stop in and write, so here I am. Let’s see, where to start?

Since I last posted, I have started playing tennis and have been working on being a little more active. All this would not have been possible without a little push from my friend, I’ll call her Elmer (she hold things together). She is very competitive and we were trying to think of an activity we could do together and get some exercise at the same time and tennis came to mind. Neither of us has ever played very much but after playing once or twice a week for the last several months, we are getting much better. We can actually keep most of the balls on our court now. I’m starting to experience all those “little pains” people told me I would have once I turned 40.

Jay decided we needed to learn to play golf because alot of our friends play and we would like to just be able to go out and hit the ball without embarassing ourselves. We were pretty consistent with going to the driving range for about a month, then we both developed wrist and hand pain, especially Jay. So as of today, we haven’t been out for a few weeks and I don’t know if we are up for the challenge.

We are thinking we might get motorcycles. Elmer and her husband have already gotten theirs, so now I have this peer pressure to deal with! Since we have a college student as of next month, I don’t know when that will fit into our budget.

Elmer and I went to the beach last month. We stayed at the Hampton Inn at South Myrtle Beach. Just a few days of sitting under the umbrella on the beach, reading a historical novel, with no pressure to do anything else. It was great. I will admit, after a few days, I was missing my family – not necessarily ready to come home, but ready to have them come there.

On our trip to the beach, we stopped at the rest area on 1-40 before we got to Asheville and the automatic toilets were flushing before we were finished; I was a little faster than Elmer, because she got her bottom rinsed by the auto flush feature before she actually stood up.

Another interesting experience: we came back to the hotel from the beach and there was a shower near the pool area where we stopped to wash the sand off our feet and legs before going in. Well, there was a cute girl there, about 16 years old, washing off – first, her feet, then her legs, then her torso, and we kept waiting patiently while she continued to stand under it and rub her body, her head and then start over again; finally after about 5 minutes she walked away (as we were thinking all she needed was a bar of soap and she’d be set). We were sure she was on her way into the hotel. BUT NO. She turned around and went back out to the beach into the sand!!!! ??? What was that about????

When you go to the beach you cannot be on a diet. So of course we had to go to Krispy Creme and get some donuts. I placed our order and we sat and waited for the fresh batch to come out. In the meantime we were watching other people place their order and an employee came out of the back and asked a customer “may I help you?” I looked at Elmer and said ” is that donut glaze on her face?” Yes it was. Other workers were laughing at the poor girl but just let her continue to wait on the other customer. Hilarious.

Well, that’s my post for now, I’ll try to do better and not wait so long between blogs. I have trouble with this website remembering my password and can’t find out how to change it to something I can remember. Can anyone help me with that????

Another Day, Another Dollar

Sometimes what we think may be the best for someone may not be what the person wants for themselves.  A patient with lung cancer doesn’t want any biopsies or tests, or for that matter, even office visits, because he can’t afford the 20 percent he gets billed after Medicare pays. He can  barely afford food. He has no family that can help him. He feels God will heal him and if not, he has the ability to heal himself.

Another person wants to donate her kidneys and any other organs someone might need. Right now, not later, not like a donar when she has a fatal car wreck – she wants the doctores to  take them now. If we can’t help her, she will call the Red Cross. She has uncontrolled diabetes, so whoever gets one of those kidneys will be getting a lemon:)

Be specific when you give instructions. A patient was given a urine cup and told to put it in the metal box behind the toilet when he finished.  The nurse checked the box from the lab on the other side of the wall and there it was – he had done what he was told – it (his private part) was in the box attempting to urinate in the cup…sometimes you have to be specific…

Screamin’ Mannogram

A lady came to the front desk and asked for an order for her screamin’ mannogram – she received a letter saying it was time for her yearly screening mammogram.

Here are couple of stories from a friend of mine who was married to a doctor:  he told her that a man brought his wife’s urine specimen in his office and gave it to the nurse for testing in the lab.  His wife was standing  beside him as he handed it to the nurse.  The nurse ask.  Is this urine?  He said.   No it is her’n.

When he was in med school he was doing rotations in clinical’s.  A huge black woman came into the clinic.  She had broken ribs.  The med student on call  mummy wrapped her in 2 1/2 “  white tape.   When she came back for a check up the doctor took the tape off with acetone.  She was wearing a polyester dress and panties.  She did not take the dress off.  It was pulled down around her waist.  My x-husband forgot about her dress.  He squirted  more than enough acetone on the tape.  It ran down her back and stomach onto her dress.  Her dress and panties melted.  He panicked.  He went running back to the nurses station and began to tell his story.  They took up a collection to buy her a new dress and a taxi fare home.   They pinned two sheets together to get her out of the building.  They gave her the money. She was supposed to wait for the taxi in the waiting room.  She left the building with the sheets flapping in the breeze, her hinnie showing and flapping like the sheets. She refused to wait on the taxi she rode the city bus home.  A few weeks later this woman was back with other problems.  Guess who was on rotation that day?  Doc.  He stuck his head in the room and said.  Haven’t I seen you before.  She said.  Yo show Gawd has!!!

A man came in with an infected penis. He said the type of piercing was a “Prince Albert.” I think he should have left Prince Albert in the can…what is WRONG with people???

When I worked ER, a man came in with a vibrator stuck in his rectum. When I listened to his lungs, all I could hear was “HUMMMMM”. It was still on. He started rubbing his belly and grimacing and I asked him “are you in pain?” and he said “hell no, I’m trying to turn the d___ thing off.” Then he said “I know one thing, I’m not messing from anybody from this town anymore.” He refused to give us the phone number of a nearest relative; he said “if I die, I don’t want you to call anybody – how embarassing to die from this.”

A patient asked me if hypnosis would keep him from getting ingrown toenails.  I thought no but it might keep you from asking stupid questions.

The nurse gave a patient a cup to collect a urine specimen and sent him into the bathroom with it. She told him to put it in the metal box behind the commode. After he had been there a while, she opened the box on the other side of the wall, in the lab, there he was with his penis in the box, trying to pee in the cup. This was definitely strange since he had to be standing on the toilet in order to reach that high.  Sometimes you have to spell it out for people.

Hard Day

Today I had to schedule a patient to come in so I can tell him he has lung cancer.

Within 5 minutes, I had a note on the computer from  the daughter of a patient threatening to sue me if I can’t get a sitter for her mother. I thought I’d just pull one out of my pocket and give it to her for free.

Then I had a lady with no prior medical problems that came in with swelling all over her body, sudden onset 10 days ago. She initially refused to go to the hospital, said she’s ready to die (she’s 50 years old). Said nobody loves her anyway and wouldn’t miss her. She finally agreed to go when the doctor came in behind me and helped her put her shoes on and agreed to let her smoke a cigarette.

The next lady was crying and shaking saying her neighbor beat her up and it all started because the neighbor’s son was driving a car through her muddy yard…whatever – get a grip!

I did a pap smear on a 65 year old lady who had never heard of pap smears…interesting….

I did a rectal exam on a man who enjoyed it way too much – giggled the whole time…

I had a patient who told me his nosebleeds stopped when he got his hair cut and if his hair grows back out, his nose will bleed.

Not tonight I have a headache.

True Story.

Hello world!

Ok, I’ve started a new blog because the old one wouldn’t let me in, guess I made it mad by not blogging in so long. You will notice there is no name on this; that is because I might want to tell you about some of my experiences as an NP and I don’t want you to know where I am due to patient confidentiality laws. Hopefully some of these experiences can help other NPs and even patients with some of their healthcare issues.

Some of my blogs will be theology-related. I have some issues, as those who know me well can attest. I no longer consider myself a Baptist, Southern Baptist, Independent Baptist or other. I consider myself first and foremost a Christian. A future blog will address my church background.

As for today’s blog I am just dying to tell you about an incident that happened recently at work. One of the doctors had a patient waiting to have a yearly female exam. When she went into the room, the very well-endowed, overweight woman was sitting on the exam table not taking advantage of the nice paper gown/coverup she had been given – in other words  she was letting it all hang out, and was not shy about it at all. She began to tell the doctor that she had milk coming out of her breasts. Because this lady was not of child-bearing age, the doc said, “Well, let me see what medications you are on, because sometimes they can mess with your hormone levels.” At that point, the doc looked down at her computer to view the medication list; at the same time, the lady said “See, watch this!” and proceeded to take her breast in both hands and squeeze as hard as she could. Milk went flying across the room, the doc had to duck to avoid being “slimed” and when she came out, she said I think it’s still on the wall in there. She was truly feeling assaulted! Brings a new meaning to “Got Milk?”

I thought that would make you smile…